5 Lies That Keep You Stuck in an Affair
Most of us grew up knowing that affairs are wrong. So, if you have made a bad decision in this area, it should be easy to recognize and end the affair, right?
Unfortunately, several lies keep you stuck in an affair relationship and inhibit you from ending it and moving on to healing and healthy relationships.
Lie #1: This person is my soulmate.
When an affair begins, the adrenaline is very intense. You only see what you both have in common, and you believe that this person understands you and sees you in a way that no one ever has.
It feels like you have dreamed the same dream of finding each other and this great love or chemistry you've uncovered. The "love" between the two of you may feel unconditional and equal in a way you've not experienced.
Truth: We may not even be compatible.
You may have some legitimate things in common with your affair partner. You may even respect them in some ways. But God does not send someelse's spouse as your soulmate. You may or may not have been compatible with your affair partner in the real world, but you won't know because an affair is not the real world.
The two of you live in a world that you control and have created a false reality of happiness, based on fantasy and dopamine. The reason the love feels unconditional is that your affair partner is as emotionally unhealthy as you are (Sorry, ouch!) and is afraid to face the relationship's reality and the damage it is doing to both of you.
Lie #2: I can't live without them.
The thought of life without this person is unimaginable. You can't imagine that this person could ever become someone you 'used to love.' You feel you've shared so much of yourself with this person. You may have told them things you've never told anyone because you know they can't tell anyone. It feels scary to think of losing someone with whom you've shared so much.
Truth: I will be healthier without this relationship.
This type of thinking is needy and codependent. It also ignores the fact that parts of your life are severely suffering due to this relationship. So how are you fully living? When the affair ends, and the fog clears, you will realize that you can live without them. There may be a grieving process, but you can heal and grow. And most of all, you can be free to live an authentic life of integrity.
Lie #3: It's too late to turn back now.
This lie kept me stuck for years. You believed you are in too deep. You start to believe that there was no other way to manage life except through an affair. You may not consciously think that, but it is a lie that you believe deep in your heart. You simply can't imagine that you could ever heal and recover. You think this is the path you are on now, and it is too painful and even impossible to turn back.
Truth: It’s never too late.
Never. There is always hope. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
It doesn't add, "unless you've had an affair or made too many bad choices". The weight of what you have done can feel overwhelming, but it is not too much for God, and it is never too late to make a change.
Lie #4: I'll end it, but I can't tell anyone.
Guilt has set in, and even though it will be hard, you want to end the affair. But there is still no way you want to tell anyone about what happened. You talk to your affair partner and discuss ending it, but you both agree not to tell anyone. You are sure you will take the secret of your infidelity to the grave.
Truth: The affair is not likely to stay 'ended' without accountability.
You both know this on some level, which is why you don't want to tell anyone. It feels too painful to close the door completely. So inevitably, the affair restarts, or never actually ends. Asking someone to hold you accountable to ending the affair is essential in moving on and getting healthy. You may feel like you are betraying your affair partner by telling someone else, but it is key to breaking the affair cycle.
Lie #5: People that have affairs are awful. I would never do that.
You may have harshly judged other people that have had affairs. You never dreamed that you would engage in this type of relationship. Because you are acting against your own values and judgments, you may convince yourself that your affair is different from that of other people. Yours really is special. Your love is real. This separates you (in your mind) from other people that have had an affair. It also reinforces the commitment to the affair.
Truth: Your affair is actually similar to other affairs.
Many affairs are not solely based on sex and have deep emotional attachments. Many people believe they are in love and that this relationship is special. You have formed an unhealthy bond with your affair partner, the same as many others have before you. This revelation was shocking to me when I came out of my affair.
The Truth Can Set You Free
Dismantling these lies is key to restoring your integrity and having your actions align with your values. It's painful to face the truth that your affair was not what you thought it was. Having an awareness of these lies can be the first step in taking action to change your life.
I don't know what's brought you to this article. Maybe you know someone who has had an affair, or you are currently in one and are trying to navigate your situation, or you have walked away from an extra-marital relationship. Whatever the case may be, I'd be happy to talk to you further.
Are you ready to move past the lies? Choosing to partner with a growth coach can provide the accountability, empathy, and encouragement that you need to move forward in life. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn if coaching is right for you.
