An Important Question for Stepparents: How Important is it?
The dynamics of a new stepfamily can be complicated. And when you add in the stress of quarantine and a global pandemic, things can get pretty intense.
Each family is not only adjusting to a different world inside their home, but they are also adjusting to a new world outside their homes. Even the most peaceful, seemingly well-adjusted step-families will have conflicts over something.
When to Engage & When to Let it Go
In times of stress, every conflict or source of friction can feel important. It's hard to even prioritize which issues really matter most. Your stepchild may be doing something or not doing something that is causing some tension within you.
The main thing to decipher before you react is, how important is it? Some questions that may help you determine that answer are:
Is this just a once-in-while incident?
Does anyone get hurt (emotionally or physically) if I let this go?
Is this a teaching opportunity?
Will I care about this one year from now?
Am I reacting out of fear rather than just focusing on the actual issue at hand?
When the Answer is “Very Important”
You may answer these questions and decide the matter at hand with your stepchild is very important and does need to be addressed. If you are addressing the behavior, you should have some established relational equity with the child from building trust and a good rapport on a consistent basis.
Addressing Conflict with your Stepchild:
Take a deep breath and pray for God to give you patience and wisdom in speaking to your stepchild.
Talk to the child in private, away from any other siblings. This can be done with or without your spouse. Address the behavior or issue and ask the child how they feel about what happened. Listen without interrupting. After the child shares, let the child know why this issue is not acceptable and explain why it is important to you and/or your spouse.
Set parameters and expectations for future behavior in regards to this issue. Will there be discipline if this happens again? If so, state that clearly. Are there additional resources or people that need to be involved, as in teachers or counselors etc?
Reassure that child that you still care and appreciate that child and that you are committed to the relationship with them and your spouse.
The ultimate goal is to find a win-win solution. If that can’t happen, the child still needs to feel respected and heard, even if the outcome is not what they want.
When the Answer Is “Not That Important”
It can be humbling to realize the thing that triggered you and got you all hyped up is not actually that important after all. Now is the time to ask yourself questions that go a little deeper.
Why does this bother me?
What does it represent?
Am I afraid of something?
What would give me peace in this situation?
Is this really about something else?
If you did react to the stepchild before you got a chance to ask yourself, “How Important is it?”, you can always go back to the child and offer an apology. Humility speaks volumes. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m sorry.”
Stepparents can make many mistakes. It’s important to nurture and lead your stepchildren with confidence, gentleness, and love. You can set the course toward that connected family experience for which you’ve been longing.
Are you ready to grow as a stepfamily? Choosing to partner with a growth coach can provide the accountability, empathy, and encouragement that you need to move forward in life. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn if coaching is right for you.
