Chasing the High: Why Can’t I End My Affair?
Why do people stay in affairs when they know the cost of the risk is higher than they really want to pay? Why can’t they end an affair?
Because they are chasing the high.
Affairs: Another Addiction
Often in drug addiction, a user gets the most incredible high the first time they try a substance. And afterward, the thoughts and memories of this high are all-consuming.
But as time goes on, the high fades. They continue to use, doing more and more drugs, in the quest of that initial feeling. They’re chasing the high.
They get to the point where the drug stops giving a pleasurable feeling, yet they continue despite the consequences. Because the search for the initial high is all they crave, they can’t accept the fact of all they’ve lost in the meantime. Chasing that high was for nothing.
The same is true for ending an affair. The flirting, the danger, the adrenaline, is all very intoxicating and makes you feel special and alive. The worries of your real-world fade away as you bask in the dopamine rush that comes from the attention of the new person. As things progress, you and your affair partner create a world that only the two of you know about. In that world, there is only bliss, or so you tell yourselves.
As the Affair High Wears Off
After a while, you subconsciously or consciously feel that maybe the guilt and shame don’t outweigh the excitement anymore. That can leave you feeling anywhere from uneasy to all-out panic. So you may decide one or more of the following:
You need more of this person. You both reassure each other of the specialness of the relationship to try to recreate that initial high feeling. You break more rules, doing more things you never thought you would so that you can create an even stronger “bond”. You keep going back to “how you met” or how “it” happened to try to solidify that this was all worth losing your values, reputation, self-worth and the hurt you are causing to others.
Or, you look for a different drug. You look elsewhere, to a different partner, for the initial affair high. Maybe that first person just wasn’t that exciting after all and you need something more to find that initial high. You just don’t want to forget the way you felt.
Either (or both) of these tactics are addiction-based. And the longer the infidelity goes on, the more tactics are used. After all, the stakes of getting caught keep getting higher.
So you have to keep convincing yourself that your actions may be risky, but are just a necessity of life now. You can’t end the affair. Like a moth to a flame, you keep going back.
Even though you may feel trapped and truly want to stop this relationship, the affair convinces you that you can’t possibly go back to your ‘regular’ life, just as the addictive substance says to the drug addict.
Hope for Ending an Affair
Thankfully, there is hope. Just as a substance addict can find recovery, so can someone that is or has been in an affair.
It takes work and self-awareness. It involves bravely looking at what lies you may be believing that keep you stuck in this behavior cycle.
And in the end, there is FREEDOM.
Freedom to heal. Freedom to grow. Freedom to lead an authentic life of integrity. I ended my long-term affair over 10 years ago. It has been a miraculous road and I’d love to walk alongside you.
Ending an affair is not easy. Choosing to partner with a growth coach can provide the accountability, empathy, and encouragement that you need to move forward in life. Ready to take the first step to end an affair? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn if coaching is right for you.
