My Story
“To be a person is to have a story to tell. ”
I grew up in rural Pennsylvania. My childhood was filled with memories of writing stories, fun with friends and cousins, and church activities.
My Christian heritage became personal when I accepted Christ at a young age. The usual experiences of Sunday School, youth group, and mission trips connected me to a wonderful community of believers but my relationship with God lacked depth. I often felt lost, alone, unprotected, and afraid. God felt far away.
Throughout my adolescence, I pursued popularity and friendships. They met my surface desire for significance. When some relationships weren’t able to fully satisfy, I scrambled to find other ways to soothe my discomfort with my world.
At age 21, I got married. Surely being a wife would fulfill my longing for significance and marriage would drown out the feeling of emptiness. But sadly, our marriage was unhealthy and my pain and loneliness grew stronger. I thought there was something wrong with me. I believed the lie that I simply wasn’t all that significant or special.
I also was excited to be a mom. Fertility challenges were a difficult obstacle at first, but God graciously blessed me with two amazing children that I love with my whole heart.
During this time, my career was also progressing reasonably well. The part-time position was rewarding but also afforded the opportunity to also spend time with my kids. As I received attention in the professional world, it made me feel smart, significant, and valuable.
I knew it wasn’t good for me to be so drawn to this affirmation, but it happened anyway. This led to some poor relationship decisions, including being unfaithful to my husband. The guilt and confusion over my horrible decisions only compounded my feelings about myself. I was terrified that people would find out about the two lives I was trying to live.
Through a series of events, the truth of my behavior came out. The career, my reputation, and acceptance of my family and friends that I had worked so hard to manage, lay shattered around me like broken glass.
My family was hurt and confused. My husband was furious. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I had a choice to make. Was I going to continue to live my life in the way I had been? Or would I choose to turn and surrender to God, seeking healing only He could provide?
Thankfully, I chose to pursue healing and growth. God opened the door for wise women to enter my life and walk with me. I dove into counseling, and women’s Bible studies. It was a slow process, but God was faithful. And slowly, I started to heal and grow.
I worked hard on my marriage. I so desperately wanted ours to be a story of redemption. So much so, that I became even more codependent, trying to do everything right and manage other people’s emotions and to try to earn their forgiveness.
I accepted unacceptable behavior because I thought I deserved it. Our home became full of emotional abuse, threats, and addiction. In the end, our marriage didn’t make it.
It was around this time that I heard the phrase ‘turn your mess into a message’. I remember thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could someday be at a place where I could help other people. Then all this shame, pain, and regret could be used for good.”
However, it all seemed so impossible.
I learned all I could about affairs and why people have them. I developed deep friendships with other women and started investing in others. I started attending support groups for people affected by a loved one’s addiction.
I clung to the promises of Hebrews 11:1, "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”. I know from experience that God is a God of healing and redemption. He was and is faithful to me and to my kids. He walked with me during the pain of divorce and custody battles. He gave me the courage to fight for my kids when they were in harmful situation.
He sent me a Godly man who fully accepted me and my messy story. We’ve been married for over 5 years now. And we continue to grow, together.
Because of God’s redemptive work in my life, I am free to live an authentic life. I am free to see the hope that my story brings others. He's using me to coach other women that are experiencing regret from past decisions. He's allowing me to enter into relationship with women who are breaking free from codependency and who are finding their own voice in their lives.
Through my experiences, I now have empathy and understanding for women whose loved ones are entangled in addiction. I am free to help women change in the way they want and go in the direction they wish to go, supporting them as they grow.
I am free. You can be, too.
There is hope. You are not alone. And it is my privilege to help you to discover God’s purpose for your life.